And The Winner Is....

Remember how I said I entered a writing competition? Well guess what.

I WON!!!!

I couldn't believe it. My essay is going to be printed in the Parenting Magazine and I also get to do a week long guest video blog on the Parenting website. Check out my first blog here.

My Happy Place

Teach them while they are young.

Sure Carnie Freak, Hold My Baby

I try hard not to yell at people in the service industry. I know how it feels to get yelled at when you are just trying to do you job.

However, there are exceptions to this rule. Carnie freaks that want to hold my baby will get yelled at and possibly beaten up after I call the cops on them.

We are walking through the carnival with babes in arm. Carnies are offering to let us play their games. Perfectly fine, acceptable and expected. Then Carnie freak offers to let us play his game and I decline. He follows it up with, I'll hold your baby for you so you can play.

I made and involuntary rude noise and said, yeah right, like that is ever going to happen.

I was bothered but kept walking. About an hour later we walk past the same Carnie freak. He makes the same offer. Really, I'll hold your baby.

I lost it. I turned on him and started telling him off. This is not an appropriate line to get me to play your stupid game. He says there is nothing wrong and gets defensive. I say this is the second time you have asked to hold my baby. You are never going to touch my baby and you should never ask to hold people's baby. He is just looking at me with wide eyes and muttering under his breath. I have to walk away before I really go ballistic on him.

So here is a warning to all scary, gang member looking carnie freaks. Do not ask to hold my child. This offer leads me to believe you are a pedophile that is going to run away with my child or hold them for ransom. If you care for your life at all, do not under any circumstances ask me or any other parent with half a brain to hand over their child. I would not be surprised if you received a serious beat down next time. I might be a girl and I might be smaller than you, but I will beat you to a bloody pulp. Stay away from my children.

Deer In The Headlights

Me Avoiding The Paid Blog

So, a short run down of our weekend.

~ Claire offered to let me borrow her portable DVD player for a road trip. We will now be buying our own portable DVD player

~ Boston does in fact like to watch TV, it is just a matter of finding something he likes to watch. Like Thomas the Train.

~ I do not learn my lesson and continue to drink far to much fluids on a long stretch of desert with no facilities.

~ Desperate times call for desperate measures.

~ We may or may not ever be allowed on the Navajo Nation again. If we go back we may pay a large fine. That will have to be a post for another day.

~ Scarlett continues to eat more than Boston does but stays leaner.

~ Nicole and I can laugh until we both cry, and possibly pee.

~ My grandma has 50 year old love letters, from the guy that tried to steal her away from my grandpa.

~ When I get a new Jeep, Andy says I can attach the cowbells that used to be on my grandpa's Jeep. Until then, my new most treasured possession will stay hidden under my bed.

~ Andy's cheesy unexpected grin in a window will scare me so bad I hit the floor screaming, and peeing.

~ Scarlett falls off the couch every time we go to grandma's house.

~ Andy and I can't remember most of the words to a lot of Christmas songs.

~ Hunter eats even more food than Scarlett does.

~ Scarlett is a great road tripper.

~ This weekend caused me to question my desire to have more kids, a lot.

~ Hunter and Boston are a dangerous duo.

~ Andy will kill big, scary, hairy spiders.

~ Boston needs real shoes, not just flip flops. He almost got frost bite on his toes.

~ I have a love hate relationship with road trips.

~ We have finally streamlined the bathroom stops on road trips so that we don't add two hours to the drive.

~ I still love coming home more than going somewhere. I just love my bed.

~ We are going on another trip the weekend. Hopefully it goes just as well.

3 Inches Taller

I have anxiety. Endless, debilitating, vomit inducing, heart racing, tearful anxiety.

A lot.

And about everything.

I am terrified of doing new things or going new places or having to talk to new people. So terrified I miss out on a lot of things. I won't go to parties, I don't sign up for classes, and I don't make new friends. This causes a fairly sheltered, hermit style life.

I don't like feeling this way. I want to do new things, I want to go places, I want friends. I just can't get past myself to make this happen. I always feel like I am missing out. I just don't know how to get rid of the fear. The fear of screwing up because I don't know where I should be or what I should be doing. The fear of saying something stupid and that people won't like me or that they will think I am stupid. I am afraid of doing anything wrong and making a mess of things. It has always been easier to just do nothing rather than put myself out there or be embarrassed or ashamed.

That is not living though. I have known for awhile that I need to change, for a couple of reasons. One because I do not want my children to be like me. I try really hard to encourage them to get out there and play with others and let them do new things. I encourage them to go off and play in hopes that confidence now will promote confidence later. I want the best for them, and this is not the best way to live. Second, I'm bored and lonely. I want more from life. I have several hours everyday while Andy is at work and I need to be filling them with positive activities and friends that push me to grow and learn and become a better wife mother and person. Pretty soon I'm going to run out of things to talk to Andy about and I need to create some new memories and topics so he doesn't get bored with me!!

So I have really been pushing myself over the last month. First I entered a writing contest. This was huge for me. I always thought if I entered it would be conceited of me to think I was good enough to enter. Plus, entering sets you up for rejection. I really had to talk myself into it. Even when I had my submission all put together it was really hard for me to hit send. But I did it. For me, the big thing was not about winning (although, I would love to win) it was the fact that I did it. I went outside of myself and did something I was scared of. That is a really big step for me. Who really cares if they pick my submission. I entered, and I am proud of myself.

The second thing I did was sign back up for MOPS. This shouldn't have been so hard since I have been a member of MOPS before but it was a new church and new people. This has all the things that freak me out. A new building I am unfamiliar with that I have to find preschool rooms in as well as my room and it has new people. Walking into a room of new women I don't know and have to talk to them is my worst fear. I will just sit in the corner and hide and feel like a loser that I have no one to talk too instead of just walking up to someone and starting the conversation myself. But in spite of the sick feeling in my stomach and my shaking hands and my racing heart I went. And I had a great time. It was fun and I had some good conversation and started making friends. It was wonderful and I am looking forward to going again next week. I even kind of wish we met every week instead of twice a month.

The third thing came about from going to MOPS. They had a sign up for a bible study class. I have been wanting to go to an adult institute class but the church we go to right now doesn't have one set up. So I was interested. I was also scared. I have never been to a bible study class but I really wanted to go. Childcare was provided and they were using a book called How to be a praying wife. I thought it sounded good and picked up the book and signed up. Then I had a week long anxiety attack waiting for the class to start. Last night it got really bad. My stomach was sick, I was super edgy and jittery and was having a hard time breathing. I couldn't focus on Andy or enjoy the movie he rented. I could barely keep myself on the conversations we had. I really wanted to just not go, but I really wanted to go as well. I guess one reason I finally went though was because I had taken a book and I needed to pay for it. I had an obligation and that made it easier. So I went. And it was great. I was able to chat with a mom going in, the lesson was fantastic and I was able to participate and felt welcome. I had great conversation and talked with another mom on the way out. She had been at the MOPS group and recognized me, she said was glad to see me walking in with my kids. My stomach jumped again but this time it was a good feeling. She was glad I was there and looking forward to seeing me. Who knew? I made a good impression the week before and she even liked me. I would have never guessed.

I am feeling pretty good about everything. I feel like at 26 I am finally learning some social skills, skills that I should have learned as a child/teen that I am sorely missing. I feel like I am growing as a person and I like the changes that have come with it. I am still scared, but at least it isn't stopping me from doing what I want to do. The next goal is to not be scared in the first place and to just have fun.

It has been a busy month with a big growth spurt. Do I look taller to you?

Getting Crafty

I made this, yes MADE this. I have never made a blanket before and technically I didn't have to sew it. But I did do it without a pattern from a picture. I think it turned out awesome and I am sooo proud of myself.