Mrs. Quimby

This morning as I was blowing out my hair I realized something. I look like Ramona Quimby's mom. What the?... I know I wasn't going for much of a style, just trying to get it smooth and letting it fall where it wanted but my word. Do I really look like that?

I have read every Ramona book at least a dozen times each. I always related to Ramona and often felt we were long lost sisters growing up and thought as a child that I did look like her as well. I guess it would only be normal that I would look like Ramona's mother when I grew up. Somehow, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Jeez Lady,Can't You Stop Shaking?

We finally took the kids to do something Christmasy. I have been working way too many hours and have been much too tired and the kids' bedtime is really early. All bad combinations to making out for some Christmas festivities.
Andy took us down to Tempe Town Lake for the lighted boat parade and some four dollar hot chocolate. The kids loved it and it was a good time. I tried hard to get a family picture of our first Christmas outing. It was not successful, I couldn't hold the camera still, I don't know why I was so shaky, and no matter how low Andy squatted, I couldn't get Boston's head in the picture. Oh well. Boston where are you???

Pretty clear, but now Scarlett is looking at the crowds behind us.

Fuzzy and lost children.

Everybody looking at the camera, dang shaky hands.

Oh well, there is always next year.

I Want It I Want It

So I am trying to win this give away, and if I post it here I get another entry. I see this as a double edge sword though. By getting another entry I also offer up more entries from those of you that go look, thus lowering my chances. Sneaky sneaky Shannon. Oh well, Go check out Shannon out. She is pretty crafty.

You Have Angels Around You Watching Over You

It has been a long, hard week. The robbery on Monday has really taken its toll on me. I have neglected my house and my work. Many people have made the comment that they are just glad that I am ok and wasn't hurt. I have no answer for this. While I survived physically unscathed, I am far from free of injury. And I am not ok.

I have panicked around people more times than I can count. I went to Target the day after and was suspicious of every single customer, then the snack boy was similar in build and coloring and I was crying and making a mad dash for the door. Then I had to go to work. I have since found out that I should not have returned the following day, but my owners and management did not give me that option. I was expected to come and I did. It was a really hard day. I was suspicious of every new customer, especially the ones that didn't respond to our hi how are you. I hung back, I struggled to make conversation. The whole night my heart raced. Then I panicked on the way to my car. Then again when a guy walked through the cross walk while I sat at a light.

The next day I had off. I had to get a few things for a shower I was throwing and I panicked again over a guy loitering in front of the store I ran to. On the way to the shower I started to fall apart. I couldn't breathe and my heart was racing and my shoulder was aching so badly I was slouched over my steering wheel. I could barely drive. I was sure I was having a heart attack or a stroke. At one point I even wondered if it was a blood clot from the pregnancy. As I sat at a light trying to decide whether to continue to the party or change direction and head to the ER before I caused an accident I finally had a coherent thought. I called a friend to meet me at the party so he could give me a blessing. I knew he was much closer than Andy and I didn't want to make Andy haul the kids across town.

I got to the party location and waited for Scott. My friend's husband, an EMT, checked my vitals while we waited. Everything seemed fine but I was so shook up and was hurting so much they all suggested I go to the ER. I just wanted to wait for Scott. He got there and we talked for a bit. He knew of the robbery and was familiar with the situation as a cop himself. When he started to give me the blessing I just deflated. All the built up tension and fear started to evaporate. I cried the whole time. I had expected a blessing of healing for a physical aliment, instead I received a blessing of love and comfort and a mindful Father in Heaven that was watching over me and protecting me with angels. I was promised so many things for myself and my family. The ache in my shoulder was nearly gone by the time the blessing was over and my breathing was back to normal. I suddenly realized it was a panic attack not a heart attack. Just the worst one I had ever had. A few minutes later the ache was completely gone. Scott and I continued to talk for a long time after that. Scott validated a lot of my fears and emotions and promised me it would get better and I would be ok.

I have been too. I have still been a little nervous and suspicious, but I have not panicked since he gave me the blessing. I should have had the blessing the night of the robbery. I have made some decisions as well. I know this experience is going to change me, but I won't let it control me. I refuse to be afraid, but I will be more aware. I will pay attention to my surroundings and those around me. I will be proactive not reactive. The world hasn't suddenly changed, it is the same, I am just not living in my bubble if innocence anymore. I have to change my perspective.

I made the comment to a friend that a physical wound may have been preferable to the emotional damage. I know a physical wound would heal in a timely matter. For right now though, I have to just accept that eventually the nightmares will stop, the anxiety will ease and I will be ok. And when that happens, I will be stronger for the experience.

Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?

1 Day Or 240 Days, That Baby Is Mine

I have a story, as well as some news. Without the story, there would have been no news, but I suddenly feel anxious. Life is short and I learned a lot yesterday. I will no longer wait weeks to share anything.

I was at the salon working and was having a fairly busy day. It was getting toward the end of the night and there were only three of us left. Two male stylists and me. All three of us had someone in the chair and there were two more people waiting in the lobby. A teenage boy came in and I immediately didn't like it. I didn't like the way he was dressed or acting and I suddenly felt sick.

Side note: I should know this feeling and be able to recognize it, it happened once on my mission right before I had one the most terrifying experiences of my life. At that time, I prayed not to be judgemental and to be open to chances to teach and plunged on only to discover 30 seconds later why I had felt afraid. Apparently I didn't learn. I thought the same thing last night. Don't judge Brittney, get over yourself. 30 seconds later I learned why.

The boy leaned against the counter and two of us acknowledged him and said we would be right there. I continued to watch him in my mirror as I knew something was off. Neither of the other stylists were making a move and my work ethic took over. I wouldn't make him wait because he creeped me out. As I slowly turned to go and help him I actually thought about the warning we got a couple of years ago after a string of salon robberies. The spirit warned me, and warned me again and I did not heed. I thought I was just being judgmental. I walked up to the counter and asked him if he would like a haircut. He looked down and I followed his gaze. His hand was in his hoodie pocket, my stomach dropped. I knew what would come next. He slid a black revolver out and quietly said give me the money.

My world stopped. I nearly grabbed for the phone to call 911. Many thoughts crashed through my mind, some understandable, some stupid. I thought about how much cash was in the drawer, I felt bad for the owners and didn't want to give it to him, I worried that there wasn't much and he would be mad. I thought about my children and then fear took over. I silently started working. There are several screens I have to go through to open the till and punch in a password. I thought about how the other stylists wouldn't have been able to get in since they don't have a password and I wondered what would have happened then. I finally got the till open and was struggling to get the money out. He leaned closer to me and with desperation told me to hurry up. I became more afraid and that is when my thoughts headed a new direction.

I am pregnant. News I wasn't ready to share so early on, but news that became my very reason for everything. I started to plan what I would do if he did threatened to shoot me. Where I would need to get hit so it wouldn't hurt the baby or cause me to lose it. I was trying to hide my abdomen behind the counter to protect my baby as much as possible. I kept thinking the shoulder, if I have to get shot is has to be the shoulder. It will be bad but is shouldn't take a main blood source from the baby. All of these thoughts tumbling through my mind at the speed of light. I was taking too long, he took the first handful from me when people in the salon started to figure out what was going on. He took off. I grabbed the phone with fear, I was afraid he was going to turn and see me pick up the phone and get mad. I sank to the floor and confirmed with the others what had happened as I dialed 911. I started crying.

I learned much about myself in those few minutes.
1 I don't listen. The spirit told me something was wrong. I thought I was being judgemental. Next time I feel like that I will ask one of the guys to get the desk. Never again will I walk into fear like that.
2 I am not a hero. I did just what he asked. You got it buddy. Let the cops find him. Which, the probably won't. Our door was propped open and we didn't get so much as a finger print.
3 I am a mother. I will do whatever it takes to protect my child. I am only in my 7th week of pregnancy. Baby to be is just bigger than an orange seed, has only just started to develop all of his/her organs. It doesn't matter. That is my baby and there is a bond that can not be broken. I love the baby with my whole heart and soul. I have waited for this baby and prayed for this baby. Even at just a few weeks pregnant I will do anything, give anything to save that baby's life. The awesome responsibility of growing, protecting and nourishing this baby is one hundred percent up to me. No punk with a gun will take that from me.

All of this made me think about my miscarriages. Well meaning people that were just trying to help often told me I wasn't that pregnant when I lost them and they weren't real babies yet. Because of that I shouldn't have felt so bad. I beg to differ. Losing a baby at one day pregnant is a loss. Regardless of how much tissue matter there is, or organs or brain development, that is a baby. Someone you put your hopes and dreams into. Someone you plan for and dream about and most importantly love. I may only be about 40 something days pregnant, but that is a baby to me and I will do anything for it.

My experience has taught me something else. Life is so vulnerable. I have been bursting at the seems to tell people we are pregnant again but chose to wait out of fear of losing this one too. No more. I may only get a few weeks with this baby, and that is something to celebrate and should not be kept hidden. I love this baby with all my heart. I wanted to wait for a few years after we had Scarlett, but I couldn't shake the feeling that there was a baby waiting, anxiously waiting. I felt the whisperings that it was time, now was the time. It became so strong that I couldn't ignore it anymore. All this has given me such a strong connection with this baby. I have felt its spirit near me for months. Once we were actually pregnant there was a familiarity, as if I had been reunited with a long lost loved one. I'm so cheesy, but it is the truth. I am not going to hide something so special to me anymore.

So there it is. Happy news from a very unhappy moment. My due date is July 31st, 2010. I'm thrilled to add this baby to our family. But right now, I'm mostly just happy that the baby is safe.

Broken By The Careless Words Of Others

You know that writing gig everyone is so interested in and wants to get in on? Well I've got news for you. It isn't always what it is cracked up to be. When you write there is always going to be someone that doesn't like what you say or feel or think or don't like. Because of this I get hate mail.

Vicious, hateful, condescending hate mail.

My feelings are hurt and I have cried more tears than the critic deserves.

I have been told that I am stupid, insensitive, heartless, a bad mother, that I need serious psychological help before I ruin my daughter as well, I don't deserve friends, I should feel bad about myself, that bad things should happen to my children, that my writing is shameful drivel, that I need to be taken aside and told the world does not revolve around me.

And that is the extremely abbreviated version of people's thoughts on me. I could fill pages with the hate spewing words that have been thrown at me.

I don't understand people. Why do we feel the need to bring others down? Why is someone wrong because they feel differently than you do? Having differences doesn't make any one wrong, it makes the world fun and interesting. We judge on a short snippet of people's lives when we really have no idea why they do certain things or why the feel the way they do. You just never know the heartache they have suffered or loss they have had. We as a people need to be sensitive to each other and offer our love and support.

And one more thing. I AM a good mom.

And The Winner Is....

Remember how I said I entered a writing competition? Well guess what.

I WON!!!!

I couldn't believe it. My essay is going to be printed in the Parenting Magazine and I also get to do a week long guest video blog on the Parenting website. Check out my first blog here.